WAKE up!!!!!!

/bark bark bark

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrl point me in the right direction and i will tear a throat out. grrrrrrrrrrrrr. hard to read but you write i well.

/grr

K9 is so cool!

Nothing like that ever happened to me though I have had parellel experiences. Men invade woman all the time......and often women let them. Lest I sound as though I am demonozing men I will add that a lot of this is a result of misunderstanding one another not always evil intentions by men. I don't think that men are taught enough about woman and that woman are taught enough about men. A woman has to be open to sex before it is enjoyable and everywhere society pushes woman to be sexual objects that this is part of being a woman....and pushes men to think that part of being a man is conquesting woman. I can only speak as a woman and I will say that I think many girls and young woman are pressured into being sexual before they are ready and when they don't want to and that this is very damaging. Even when the girl chooses to do it, I don't think it is always a choice from the heart and they probably don't even know this themselves. I'm sure it is very confusing to men, because the woman are sending out messages that they want it and give every indication that they do, but deep down inside they don't really...they are doing what they feel is expected of them.

Eventually a heart can feel like yours even without experiencing what you experienced. I'm not trying to trivialize what you said....of course I know that it is not the same, but this is the only way that I can relate...since it didn't happen to me. Being sexual is part of being a woman but being a sexual object and being treated by one and feeling that you have to allow yourself to be treated like one perverts it all. A woman can choose this, mindful of what she is doing and not taking it seriously, just having fun with it then it isn't so bad...I guess. If that makes sense. But a girl cannot. Sometimes you don't even realize how badly you have damaged yourself until you are older.

I work with some people who are really 'old school'. They make comments about how it is the woman's duty to take care of her man. I don't know about you, but as soon as something, no matter what it is, becomes a duty....that is the last time I will ever enjoy it! You're situation is the worst case scenario of that whole attitude...don't you think that it all stems down to this at the bottom somehow?

It's all such a mess. None of this is talked about.....not just child molestation but respecting your own body. And I think that somehow men disrespect themselves too when they are in this mode, though that is something that doesn't often get discussed. Men are often demonized and that gets us nowhere in the end because it mekes any kind of discussion impossible. Though in your case, I don't have a problem with demonizing. Sorry, I have no sympathy for child molestors. It is one of the most awful things that one human being can do to another.

Every once in awhile MTV or somebody will decide to have an awareness campaign about respecting your body and saying no to sex if you aren't ready but it is so hypocritical being that all of the videos etc....belie everything that they just said. Kids see this..they aren't stupid.

So you have all of these parents who decide to bring their children up in the church or something. "The church teaches values," they say. And I suppose that it can but this way, that causes éverything to be FORBIDDEN which is what created all of the temptation to begin with!

Parents need to be gut-level honest with their children about all of this. And they can't be honest with their children unless they are first honest with themselves. They have to really talk about what it means to have sex. And I don't mean teaching them in terms of the morals involved. They need to be taught about how indiscrimanate sex can rob you of pieces of your soul.

I have known parents who teach their children that having sex is natural and nothing to be ashamed of....tell their girls that they will buy them the birth control pill if they want to have sex. But children are different than adults and this seems to me to be assuming that the child has the same understanding that you do. I do believe in getting your girl birth control if she decides to have sex of course, but there is something a little off about that whole approach too.

Well, you are very gut-level honest. I'm not sure that I could write like that...it would pull up so many painful memories...but maybe purge them too? Is it purging? I hope I didn't talk around everything that you said...go into a big intellectual thingy that somehow ignored the heart of the whole matter. If I did, please excuse me...sometimes it's hard for me to talk about stuff like this....so I take it up a level I guess...so I don't have to feel it as much. BBE

k9 - :D ... thanx k9. i know its hard to read, and i thank you for reading... hey y'know i finally matted and framed that picture you drew ... it looks awesome ... i'll take a picture of it soon and send it to ya ...

bbe - i get what you're saying ... thanx for your sentiments ... i think writing about this stuff is, indeed, a purging.

i am guessing most people don't necessarily want to read this sort of stuff, but its liberating to get it off my chest. the secrecy of it all is the main thing that i find so suffocating about it all. i don't mean to flog a dead horse ... just liberate myself of the flashbacks when i get them.

i think men that do this stuff are twisted control freaks that thik girls like me are there for their pleasure. they believe they are entitled to what they take from us. i still have a relationship with my parents. distant ... very distant.

but i cannot bring myself to burn that bridge. they have grown ultra devout as old age creeps over them. i see this as a way to allay their growing guilt. i know my mother carries much guilt about her role in the suffering of all 7 of her children at the hand of 2 men. and, well, my dad somehow uses religion similarly.

i remember him telling me stories of how he used to sleep with his younger sister (he was in his early 20s and she, a child) ... hmmm - how many other victims were there? its not for me to question or stew over i guess.

i really had no emotion writing this. the emotions i wear at the moments in my daily existence when these flashes of memory return to me.