WAKE up!!!!!!

"and the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

"she lives without pattern, without continuity. as soon as one seeks to coordinate june, she is lost."

"i do not like to be just one anais, whole, contained. as soon as someone defines me. i do as june does; i seek escape from the confinements of definition."

"i speak of relief, perhaps when i write; but it is also an engraving of pain, a tatooing of myself."

"we are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them."

"life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. this is a kind of death."

"i looked with chameleon eyes upon the changing face of the world, looked with anonymous vision upon my uncompleted self."

exsanguinated ... at 20:52 | Permalink | Comments

my soul feels paralyzed. flashbacks. fragments and shards of memories long discarded by a frightened little girl. truly only flashes. memory images ... like a dream. they float above my consciousness like a mirage. they dissolve whenever i try to describe them using words. fumes. that's all i have left myself with. emotional fumes. sort of noxious ... like the smell of a rotting, yet still live, wound.

i started to remember something. something awful. something my child self hid so well. not exactly sure how. one of those blinding flashes of elucidation. only, possibily the kind i could live without? odd little details. seemingly innocuous at first. just little bits. that's what i started with.

and so, i decided to play memory lego with these pieces. why? why? i ask myself that question now. as i started to build these pieces onto themselves they formed some sort of towering, forboding mass. a dark structure brooding quietly in the darkest shadow. that's what i have built. that's what i have unearthed. how could a man do that to his daughter? how? how?

i can't just cover it up now and move along. though that's desperately what i'd like to do - run like fucking hell from this memory. its like that movie the matrix. take the red pill or take the blue pill. well i have somehow taken the red pill. its devastating to see that all the things i believed about my childhood and my parents are figments of confabulation. a construct to promote survival.

a construct. parts of my reality - a construct? elucidating. in much the same way as the sun's bright light. the type of bright sunlight that threatens to burn my retinas when i stare directly into it. burning elucidation. the feeling of cold ugliness rises in my chest. its ... its ... a deep feeling of unworthiness. unloveable-ness, to be completely honest. its black and cold and fiery all at once. its tendrils stroke me, pierce me, and stab my tender, pulsing spirit all at once.

exsanguinated ... at 11:04 | Permalink | Comments

Let's impeach the president for lying
And leading our country into war
Abusing all the power that we gave him
And shipping all our money out the door

He¹s the man who hired all the criminals
The White House shadows who hide behind closed doors
And bend the facts to fit with their new stories
Of why we have to send our men to war

Let¹s impeach the president for spying
On citizens inside their own homes
Breaking every law in the country
By tapping our computers and telephones

What if Al Qaeda blew up the levees
Would New Orleans have been safer that way
Sheltered by our government¹s protection
Or was someone just not home that day?

Let's impeach the president
For hijacking our religion and using it to get elected
Dividing our country into colors
And still leaving black people neglected

Thank god he¹s racking down on steroids
Since he sold his old baseball team
There's lot of people looking at big trouble
But of course the president is clean

Thank God

from the new disc by neil young -- living with war

exsanguinated ... at 05:12 | Permalink | Comments

you may have noticed a few blogs have gone missing. well, lol, they haven't gone missing, really. they just bit the dust. velvet just felt like consolidating all those blogs into one soupy blog. so, all the posts from the other blogs are still there (except for a few insignificant, extraneous posts i deleted) ... comments may not be though, i think they got dissolved into cyberspace-dom ...

ok. so i'm trying to blog a little more cohesively - you know? put everything in one place. the stress level is starting to creep up again. i now remember why i left home at 17 ... YIKES! living with the parents is enuf to make me pull my hair out!! (oops, well it made me sort of tumble off the wagon ... just a teensy bit ... but i will get back on soon enuf ...).

i am overwhelmed with this desperate throbbing urge to escape. escape ... to my own space. i can feel myself unravelling as the stress level builds - like that loose thread on a piece of clothing. and then i feel the old patterns manifest themselves in responses. dissociative. so dissociative. i realize i have this almost pathological fear of getting swallowed up. its like the borg: 'you will be assimilated, resistance is futile.' WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO BE ASSIMILATED!!! ?? this two becomes one stuff - you know the stuff of coupledom? its crap. I AM ONE ALREADY. i wanna stay that way ... (except for gestating, of course).

anyway ... the light of elucidation is less blinding these days and i am really enjoying the scenery that long seemed hidden in the murky fog of living with closed eyes. its such a trip. wow ... is all i can say.

exsanguinated ... at 11:34 | Permalink | Comments

• "I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
• "I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
• "I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."
• "I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life."
• "I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."
• "I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."
• "I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."
• "I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."
• "I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
• "People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."
• "I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."
• "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

i received this in an email today ... thought i would share it all with you on my mother's 75th birthday (wow - 75 ... ).

exsanguinated ... at 11:25 | Permalink | Comments

thanx to K9 for this ...

exsanguinated ... at 19:19 | Permalink | Comments

happy mother's day to all mothers out there. you are the cornerstones, you know? i did not get a hallmark, or flowers, or some corny earrings. i got something far more beautiful, something sweet as the drops from a honeycomb - a letter of love, written from the heart. its so special i wanted to share it with all of you.

On this *th mother’s day of ours,
it is with sincere gratitude that I wish you

a very happy Mother’s Day

Although just a wish, wishes being as ephemeral as a courtship promise of the moon
or the dream in a lottery ticket, the gratitude in this wish
is as profound as the sincerity that ruled our relationship

When I needed a dependable partner, you were there for me
when our boys needed a Mother, you were there for them
when our hounds needed a shepherd, you were the steward of their cause

These life altering achievements beacon your inner strength like a structure’s keystone

In your life quest for self actualization, you can rely on yourself for you have the warmth of comfort,
the heart of a home and the resilience of stone

You are the key; unlock your life and live long and prosper

Happy Mother’s Day

exsanguinated ... at 16:11 | Permalink | Comments

wandering scribe ... not sure what to make of this. not a bad read, though the hard ass part of me just says, 'cry me a river.' really. sorry if you think this is heartless, but its a free country and that's my fucking opinion, ok? so fucking deal with it!!!

i work hard to the point of insanity for my income. it hurts my mind, body and soul sometimes. but i love what i do ... i was made for it, it gives me purpose. i am sick and tired of having so many around me expect something for nothing. gawd ... its insulting and downright offensive!

i appreciate that people fall on hard times ... i also know that EVERYONE has a sad story. no one has the market cornered on suffering or a shitty life. so, telling people you are homeless and living in your car, blogging at the library and pursuing a book deal ... and then fucking asking them for paypal donations ... i think ... what a scam ... call me a cynic, call me vitriolic ... but if you bothered to read my profile you will see that it's all there.

ok ... whew! glad i got that one off my chest ... i feel better now ...

exsanguinated ... at 22:37 | Permalink | Comments

along with my application for nursing licensure in the state of tennessee!! i sent it via express-post so it will get there sometime next week (lol otherwise i may still be waiting by the turn of the century ... ;^) ...) so now i wait until they receive the application and 'qualify' me to write the NCLEX and then i fork out some more money and fill out some more paper (oh those poor trees ... ) and pay some more inflated postal rates to expedite my NCLEX application to PA. whew! i will get there ... really i will ... and when i do - the taste of it all will be soo very sweet.

progress ... despite all the steaming brown piles of shit stacking up around me ... there is progress. yeehaaa!!

exsanguinated ... at 20:04 | Permalink | Comments

sad ... truly sad at my recent visit to a bookstore. actually i couldn't believe it. i was walking around the store, looking for roots. when i didn't see it on the shelf, i wondered if maybe i didn't see it because i looked in the wrong place - i thought alex haley wrote the book ... but when i didn't see it on the shelves, i wondered if maybe i thought wrong.

so i went to ask the clerk. she could not have been more than 23 and she looked at me like i had a horn growing outta my head when i asked her if she could tell me who authored roots. lol - i suspect she thought it was a book on plants or something ... so, of course, she had no clue of roots. had never heard of it ... can any of u believe this? i'm sure she could have told me a whole bunch of shit about sophie kinsella, or the da vinci code. sad, though, she could not tell me anything about a book that depicts undisputed fact - the darkest corner of humanity ... (i gotta tell you - to me slavery seems darker, more tragic than our favourite tragedy, the holocaust.)

what does this say about us? the store clerks don't know about a most important book of the 20th century and said book is not even on the shelves for sale ... am i the only one worried about this? disgusted by this? i truly hope not. and i truly think all the hot air we blow out when we say bullshit like 'never again' ... 'we must never forget' ... its such a steaming brown load of crap ...

history repeats itself ... and we still stupidly read the history that is written by the 'winners' of humanity ... how truly discouraging and sad this makes me feel.

exsanguinated ... at 15:23 | Permalink | Comments

click here

exsanguinated ... at 03:08 | Permalink | Comments

that's how long since i left. i haven't left entirely, i suppose - for i still go there frequently. where do i reside? well, for now i reside inside myself. i sleep in the spare room of my mum's place, and a few of my things dot the room that had become the great book depository before i crashed mum's gate. the bulk of my belongs remain in some damp, cold storage locker 3 km from here. and shreds and shard of my life ... they still reside at that other place, along with the man and co-pilot whose life grew into my own. and the dog ... 10 years old ... the last remaining dependent. pieces of me ... tender, blazing shrapnel ... lie in waiting. in waiting for what? for me to shine my shrill and shrieking light on them. waiting for me to rescue them. to rediscover them - you know - the way one discovers a cherished possession thought lost and gone forever?

this solitude - well its not really a solitude but it sort of is - this rediscovery ... it leaves me awe-filled daily. i listen to myself, to my body. it tells me things. i suppose it has tried to tell me these things all along - but i was submerged and could not hear. or perhaps i heard, but did not truly listen. what have i learned? my body - every cell in my body - wants to grow and nourish and deliver a new life. without a doubt. i love. i'm amazed ... but i love. i - who thought myself a shell enclosing a shrivelled and blackened heart - i have the capacity for enormous, voracious love.

this ... discovery. i see now that i have secretly (secret in the sense of unbeknownst to me) searched for what's missing. comfort, habit, the enduring ... i had sunk so much into all of these ...to the point of submergence. this life ... it sort of swallowed me - like Jonah, swallowed by the great whale. assimilated - i think i got assimilated. where do i begin and where does this life begin? this life ... its just circumstance ... its not me - not my essence. what a simple thought. and a truly startling revelation.

so ... velvet continues her journey ... her expedition ... into herself. i feel like some sort of wreckless and bold explorer. dear readers, who the fuck knows what velvet will discover next!

exsanguinated ... at 03:25 | Permalink | Comments

exsanguinated ... at 19:24 | Permalink | Comments

I am lost ... submerged in the murky seas of longing, desire and nostalgia. How to a find my way out of this wreckage? Can I reach the surface before I suffocate? Can the boat be rebuilt? Did we ever really have a boat?

I wonder how long i felt that way. How long you felt that way. Looking back, i can't say, for certain. The feeling - it welled up inside me like an angry, infected welt. It seem benign, at first. An inocuous blemish of sad longing staining the soul. Only, it didn't dissipate or shrink. And by the time I realized how tender that barren and isolated part of my soul felt the wheels had long begun to turn. The wheels of circumstance that drove me away.

I honestly thought i had lost all capacity to feel or give love. And I certainly did not believe I had it in me to fall in love. In all honesty, I felt like that old, rusted out BBQ - the one that sits forlorn and weathered by the elements - devoid of fuel. I wondered about myself - particularly the who and what.

We started out with 2 sons. The second one we never really had, so losing him seemed to end the bitter loss of every day spent with him, of every important developmental landmark missed and of the shameful realization that he could not love us in return. The first one, he grew up. Isn't that what they're supposed to do? Grow up and leave us? Spread their wings and find their own way? Of course, it is. But nonetheless, their departure creates a gaping hole. A defining role, a major purpose, a bridge, if you will, to the other entity of this marriage - you - GONE.

Is that when the restless and sad longing seeded inside me? Or was it there all along, kept satiated by the intense demands of motherhood, and that perfect suburban life I had carved myself in the little bubble called my life? I dunno. Does it matter? Maybe I may never really know. I just know that I had this intense desire to run ... get out ... get away. What did I run from? Nothing appeared wrong with my life or with you. Nothing I could put my finger on. Yet I had this incredible need to disengage.

Its almost as though I felt submerged in water. I had to come up for air. And then? And then? I dunno. That all depends on if I even make it to the surface before suffocating.

Submerged.

exsanguinated ... at 02:30 | Permalink | Comments

exsanguinated ... at 01:07 | Permalink | Comments

thanx to K9 for inspiring this post ...


No task is too great for the clever Monkeys. They master most anything. They have extremely charming manners that draw others. Monkeys solve difficult problems with ease.They are quick-witted,innovative, and they have total and intense belief in themselves. No one delights in their own accomplishments like the Monkeys. Enjoying themselves immensely, they try anything at least once! Monkeys are intellectual and their memory is phenomenal. They recall the smallest details of everything they have seen,read, and heard. They must depend on that memory since they have an otherwise untidy mind. Monkeys are wizards with money. They are original, shrewd, and when they need to, they can fool anyone.There are a hundred and one fantastic schemes they want to try, and you can bet they make some of them work. Even when they take you in, it is hard to be angry with them, or begrudge them anything. They don't care what opinions others have of them. They know they are lucky, and they also know they have the ability to change things when convenience calls. Monkeys are virtually unsinkable! When the odds are stacked against them, Monkeys know when to quit. Their timing is superb, and they will wait to try another time. If you try to trick Monkeys, they will probably catch you. They never make a move without a plan. They are great strategists. They can spot an opportunity in any form. They never miss a trick!

Monkeys are hard workers once they have a piece of the action. The bigger the piece, the better they do. Monkeys like to travel, and they want to do it first class.They need a certain amount of excitement in their lives.

Since Monkeys get what they want without too much trouble, they may not care about all their conquests. They lose interest quickly and must learn to finish what they start and take care of what they have. People always flock around Monkeys,but Monkeys don't trust very much. They know a select group of friends that they choose carefully. Money is a must for Monkeys, and they usually have it, or will be in the process of getting it.They know nothing is permanent. They improve and try to do better, and often amaze even themselves. Monkeys like facts and they hateto waste time. Always remember, Monkeys don't care if you approve of them or not, and if not careful, you will be eating right out of their hands! They are the ultimate diplomats and slip in and out of difficulties with ease.

(taken from: rainfall)

exsanguinated ... at 22:54 | Permalink | Comments