submerged
I am lost ... submerged in the murky seas of longing, desire and nostalgia. How to a find my way out of this wreckage? Can I reach the surface before I suffocate? Can the boat be rebuilt? Did we ever really have a boat?
I wonder how long i felt that way. How long you felt that way. Looking back, i can't say, for certain. The feeling - it welled up inside me like an angry, infected welt. It seem benign, at first. An inocuous blemish of sad longing staining the soul. Only, it didn't dissipate or shrink. And by the time I realized how tender that barren and isolated part of my soul felt the wheels had long begun to turn. The wheels of circumstance that drove me away.
I honestly thought i had lost all capacity to feel or give love. And I certainly did not believe I had it in me to fall in love. In all honesty, I felt like that old, rusted out BBQ - the one that sits forlorn and weathered by the elements - devoid of fuel. I wondered about myself - particularly the who and what.
We started out with 2 sons. The second one we never really had, so losing him seemed to end the bitter loss of every day spent with him, of every important developmental landmark missed and of the shameful realization that he could not love us in return. The first one, he grew up. Isn't that what they're supposed to do? Grow up and leave us? Spread their wings and find their own way? Of course, it is. But nonetheless, their departure creates a gaping hole. A defining role, a major purpose, a bridge, if you will, to the other entity of this marriage - you - GONE.
Is that when the restless and sad longing seeded inside me? Or was it there all along, kept satiated by the intense demands of motherhood, and that perfect suburban life I had carved myself in the little bubble called my life? I dunno. Does it matter? Maybe I may never really know. I just know that I had this intense desire to run ... get out ... get away. What did I run from? Nothing appeared wrong with my life or with you. Nothing I could put my finger on. Yet I had this incredible need to disengage.
Its almost as though I felt submerged in water. I had to come up for air. And then? And then? I dunno. That all depends on if I even make it to the surface before suffocating.
Submerged.
I wonder how long i felt that way. How long you felt that way. Looking back, i can't say, for certain. The feeling - it welled up inside me like an angry, infected welt. It seem benign, at first. An inocuous blemish of sad longing staining the soul. Only, it didn't dissipate or shrink. And by the time I realized how tender that barren and isolated part of my soul felt the wheels had long begun to turn. The wheels of circumstance that drove me away.
I honestly thought i had lost all capacity to feel or give love. And I certainly did not believe I had it in me to fall in love. In all honesty, I felt like that old, rusted out BBQ - the one that sits forlorn and weathered by the elements - devoid of fuel. I wondered about myself - particularly the who and what.
We started out with 2 sons. The second one we never really had, so losing him seemed to end the bitter loss of every day spent with him, of every important developmental landmark missed and of the shameful realization that he could not love us in return. The first one, he grew up. Isn't that what they're supposed to do? Grow up and leave us? Spread their wings and find their own way? Of course, it is. But nonetheless, their departure creates a gaping hole. A defining role, a major purpose, a bridge, if you will, to the other entity of this marriage - you - GONE.
Is that when the restless and sad longing seeded inside me? Or was it there all along, kept satiated by the intense demands of motherhood, and that perfect suburban life I had carved myself in the little bubble called my life? I dunno. Does it matter? Maybe I may never really know. I just know that I had this intense desire to run ... get out ... get away. What did I run from? Nothing appeared wrong with my life or with you. Nothing I could put my finger on. Yet I had this incredible need to disengage.
Its almost as though I felt submerged in water. I had to come up for air. And then? And then? I dunno. That all depends on if I even make it to the surface before suffocating.
Submerged.
