paralyzed ...
my soul feels paralyzed. flashbacks. fragments and shards of memories long discarded by a frightened little girl. truly only flashes. memory images ... like a dream. they float above my consciousness like a mirage. they dissolve whenever i try to describe them using words. fumes. that's all i have left myself with. emotional fumes. sort of noxious ... like the smell of a rotting, yet still live, wound.
i started to remember something. something awful. something my child self hid so well. not exactly sure how. one of those blinding flashes of elucidation. only, possibily the kind i could live without? odd little details. seemingly innocuous at first. just little bits. that's what i started with.
and so, i decided to play memory lego with these pieces. why? why? i ask myself that question now. as i started to build these pieces onto themselves they formed some sort of towering, forboding mass. a dark structure brooding quietly in the darkest shadow. that's what i have built. that's what i have unearthed. how could a man do that to his daughter? how? how?
i can't just cover it up now and move along. though that's desperately what i'd like to do - run like fucking hell from this memory. its like that movie the matrix. take the red pill or take the blue pill. well i have somehow taken the red pill. its devastating to see that all the things i believed about my childhood and my parents are figments of confabulation. a construct to promote survival.
a construct. parts of my reality - a construct? elucidating. in much the same way as the sun's bright light. the type of bright sunlight that threatens to burn my retinas when i stare directly into it. burning elucidation. the feeling of cold ugliness rises in my chest. its ... its ... a deep feeling of unworthiness. unloveable-ness, to be completely honest. its black and cold and fiery all at once. its tendrils stroke me, pierce me, and stab my tender, pulsing spirit all at once.
i started to remember something. something awful. something my child self hid so well. not exactly sure how. one of those blinding flashes of elucidation. only, possibily the kind i could live without? odd little details. seemingly innocuous at first. just little bits. that's what i started with.
and so, i decided to play memory lego with these pieces. why? why? i ask myself that question now. as i started to build these pieces onto themselves they formed some sort of towering, forboding mass. a dark structure brooding quietly in the darkest shadow. that's what i have built. that's what i have unearthed. how could a man do that to his daughter? how? how?
i can't just cover it up now and move along. though that's desperately what i'd like to do - run like fucking hell from this memory. its like that movie the matrix. take the red pill or take the blue pill. well i have somehow taken the red pill. its devastating to see that all the things i believed about my childhood and my parents are figments of confabulation. a construct to promote survival.
a construct. parts of my reality - a construct? elucidating. in much the same way as the sun's bright light. the type of bright sunlight that threatens to burn my retinas when i stare directly into it. burning elucidation. the feeling of cold ugliness rises in my chest. its ... its ... a deep feeling of unworthiness. unloveable-ness, to be completely honest. its black and cold and fiery all at once. its tendrils stroke me, pierce me, and stab my tender, pulsing spirit all at once.
