raising our children ...?
just got back from visiting my oldest and dearest girlfriend in alberta. she is a divorced, single mother of three kids: 15, 12 and 9 years old. her kids' father has little involvement in their upbringing. it was interesting for lupin and me to see how someone else raises their kids. very interesting indeed. it made me wonder ...
i remember being spanked
at 2 years old
with a wooden ruler
because i peed my pants.
my dad was angry.
and so i got spanked.
i never forgot
the way it made me feel --
ego crushed.
i'm not the mum of the century,
but my boy can function in society --
you know,
has manners,
and self-sufficient independence.
he would never dream
of showing off to visitors
how well he can fart or belch ...
that IS rude, isn't it?
it's so easy to collect children - you know, a they are sort of status symbol - but how sad that few of us realize how very difficuly it is to raise them properly. it is so much easier to give in and let them have their way. how sad for those kids. how sad for the parents, too. that they have so little regard for their task as parents.
i would just like to add that the value of fathers is SOOOOOO under-rated. a child needs its father. especially a boy. to all you fathers out there ... know that you absolutely do make a difference in the lives of your children. you are NOT just the banker or the sperm donor. those babies ... ? they look up to you for so much more.
- should children growing up learn proper manner?
- should we really still be spanking our children to force their compliance?
- when does a spanking stop and a beating begin?
- and what of the way it makes a child feel?
- does not this, in and of itself, make it wrong?
i remember being spanked
at 2 years old
with a wooden ruler
because i peed my pants.
my dad was angry.
and so i got spanked.
i never forgot
the way it made me feel --
ego crushed.
- is that how we want to be remembered by our kids?
- and what of setting limits?
- is it not compassionate and necessary to teach them how to function in society?
- should a 9 year old boy still be sleeping with his mother?
- or screaming from the bed the second he awakes 'mom i'm hungry!'
- really? should he?
i'm not the mum of the century,
but my boy can function in society --
you know,
has manners,
and self-sufficient independence.
he would never dream
of showing off to visitors
how well he can fart or belch ...
that IS rude, isn't it?
it's so easy to collect children - you know, a they are sort of status symbol - but how sad that few of us realize how very difficuly it is to raise them properly. it is so much easier to give in and let them have their way. how sad for those kids. how sad for the parents, too. that they have so little regard for their task as parents.
i would just like to add that the value of fathers is SOOOOOO under-rated. a child needs its father. especially a boy. to all you fathers out there ... know that you absolutely do make a difference in the lives of your children. you are NOT just the banker or the sperm donor. those babies ... ? they look up to you for so much more.
photo is of our son, taken in 2003.
Hello Velvet Person.
Here, for what it is worth, are my answers.
Yes.
Ideally no.
When is non consensual.
Rarely positive.
Yes.
No.
Through consistent explanation and noin violent sanction.
Absolutely.
Ideally no.
Definitely no.
No.
Yes.
A.
Posted by
Anonymous |
20/7/06 14:23
It sounds to me like you are a teriffic parent. I think discipline is all about teaching. It should have nothing to do with anger.
Hope you have a nice weekend.
Posted by
Anonymous |
21/7/06 17:47
Hi Velvet
As you know - or not? - I do not have children of my own but care a lot about what is happening to the litle ones and not so little ones around me.
You have a very valid point when you say it's eays to make them but not easy to raise them. My partner, being a teacher of teenagers with heart and soul, often has wondered if there should be something like a mandatory course for people who want to have children. Showing them what responisbility they take on, what it means for their realtiosnhip, their finances, their way of life in general. She thinks - and I second that - that many parents make babies just becuase they can, because they think it will save a failing a relationship.
And then thery have "them" and ... well, look around in any supermarket ... they love their children but they do not know how to show them their boundaries. So, if the little ones scream for ice cream the parenmts say NO twice. And the third time around they give in. Problem solved? Not really, the little ones are smart. And they will always remember:"If I am a brat just long enough, they will give in and I get what I want."
Spanking? No way, not good. Showing them manners by saying NO and sticking with it: YES, PLEASE.
Posted by
Anonymous |
22/7/06 07:46
ardlair ... nice to see you. and your answers are always worth somethin'!
gary ... *blushing* ... many thx ... i have tried. but parenting is a team effort - best accomplished with two individuals, not just one. (if possible, of course we know its not always).
ben ... a parenting course. YES. lupin and i have often said the very same thing amongst ourselves. lol ... lupin has even quipped about a 'rent-a-kid' service. woah - would that ever discourage would-be parents!
we also agree with you that many parents have children 'because they can' and they have not a clue of the level of dedication/devotion in every facet of life these little ones require. and ... parenting does not stop at 18 years. it is forever.
and ... NO NO NO ... when will all those women out there realize that a child is NOT a way to save a failing relationship. rather, its a sure-fire way to send it into flames.
i think its a matter of discipline for parents ... saying no and sticking to it. power struggles and violence never solved a thing.
and yes. SHOWING. that means modelling behaviour. if you think big brother is watching you. well ... dear parents ... 'little brother' is watching you even more closely than that.
our children are watching us even when we least expect it or have no clue. what we do is far more of a lesson to them than anything we could say.
that's my 2 cents'worth on this parenting thing (btw my son is 20 and quite "swiss", like his dad.)
Posted by
velvet acid tongue |
22/7/06 08:08
My mother and her partners took 'spanking' to the extreme. It was abuse. And if you look at those who do still spank, it happens in anger, not in a controlled way that would teach a lesson. It's basically a way for a frustrated parent to get their frustrations out at the kid's expense.
I always swore when I had kids I'd find ways to teach without spanking, and I managed. It isn't easy, but I won't take my anger or frustrations out on them that way. There is always a way that doesn't include violence. And my kids have great manners and know right from wrong.
Posted by
Anonymous |
22/7/06 21:39