WAKE up!!!!!!: February 2006

Monday, February 27, 2006

tagged!

sigh ... tagged again!

this time by contessa v. infinitessima

alright, then ... here goes:

4 things/people that make me smile:

p271828
the smile of another
an email or letter from a long lost friend
thoughts of my babies when they were wee bairns!

4 ways to win my heart:

clean hands and fingernails
intelligence (c'mon, ya gotta keep up!)
write me a (love) letter
share with others who have less
be real (NO PRETENSES!)

4 things i believe in:

the big bang theory
that there is no god
unicorns
humanity's immense capacity for destruction

4 things i'm afraid of:

grief
the sound of footsteps behind me (when i can't see who's making them)
that my headache is really a brain tumor or aneurysm
aging alone (widowhood)
regret
heights

4 things/people/places i want to see right now:

jim
my late sis: just for an hour
amsterdam
vancouver, canada

exsanguinated ... at 00:14 | Permalink | Comments

its all about ME

i'm roxanne, and this is velvet, the voice inside my head. and this -- this is her blog.
i'm that wild, passionate and unruly girl your mum warned you about

i'm a maelstrom, a whirling dervish, a minx. i run from "same-ness" - i find it oppressive.
change is good. change is necessary. life is change.
if change scares you, if change intimidates you, if change makes you uncomfortable, then you're a BORE!

this blog changes to reflect its continually evolving creator - moi.
so ... adapt!
you never know what you'll find when you get to velvet's place. that's the adventure of it all.
this place continues to take shape, as velvet finds her voice in all this darkness.
velvet rants, rages, throws the occasional hissy fit, launches the odd venomous tirade, and intellectually contemplates all the stuff of life, love, and soul
its depressing, and enraging because the world burns and crumbles before our eyes. yet we sleep.
we sleep. apathy, greed, power sit atop our eyelids like lead weights
so, welcome to my world.
i aim to pry your eyes open, to pry your mind open, to get you thinking outside the box, to shock you even.
i ask the questions most choose to ignore. i think the thoughts most consider unthinkable. i'm alive. i'm awake. are you?
hey -- WAKE UP!
fury wrapped in a daffodil, confused, undecided, wild child, indigo child, impatient, insomniac, rebellious, outspoken, artistic, restless, bored with routine, i love change, afraid of commitment, i work to live - not live to work, claustrophobic, perfectionist, odd and maybe downright wierd, anxious and maybe a l'il (ok, a lot) neurotic, dichotomous, a teensy bit vitrolic, prone to nastiness, a maverick and a cynic, highly intuitive, sensual, erotic, intense, spiritual -- NOT religious, a bitch, a wordsmith, poet, storyteller, addict, mother, caregiver, dog lover, voracious reader, Mac person, Coke drinker, cannibis appreciator, clean freak, prone to hissy fits, attitude - i got one, fav. colour: red, perfume: estee lauder pleasures exotic, voluptuous, afraid of falling asleep, afraid of the dark, hate being touched, still get flashbacks - PTSD, nite hawk, into fetishes, got a sadomasochistic streak in me

My profile

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my GRACE blog - giving thanx

methuselah lives here

i have several poetry blogs on the 'net. essentially these contain the same stuff, just presented in differing formats. this methuselah just likes digging around in more than one corpse at a time!

THE velvet poetry collection

velvet's OTHER wordpress
velvet's livejournal
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velvet's myspace

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velvet poetry

bell jar dreams

tenderly,
you held me in your arms,
ripening
my trembling alabaster fruit
and savagely,
you trampled me, underfoot
as master of my shattered freedom
you - the twisted and beautiful lord
who sealed me in a windowless bell jar
with anguish and solitude,
as my only companions

captor! my demented master!
my withered soul screams for you
it howls for the soothing barbs,
hidden, in your voice
and your frail, orgasmic vulnerability
my withered soul screams your name,
raging delicately,
for the gaping hollows of my existence,
which melted into yours:
dessicated dreams,
vanquished innocence

this sick hunger in my heart for you -
will it ever ebb?

copyright ROXI G 2006

your grace grotesquely crumbles

your grace crumbled
into grotesque flakes
as your fingertips slashed
my tender silken face
with rage and vengence,
that drench my frail child-spirit

steeped in self-loathing,
you infected me -
impaled
my gauzy soul
on your poisoned barbs
of hatred and lusty greed

once, i loved you -
worshipped you, adored you
and darkness
eviscerated my heart
as i watched this adoration stream past
your inert, stoney heart

my trembling eyes splinter
into a thousand tears
when i look upon your face -
my reflection - in the looking glass
you, who deserted my child-trust -
remain, achingly, ever present

this dark riverbed of adoration
that flowed in my viscera for you
has dried up; my heart --
which once glistened sublimely inside yours,
now lies in eternal anguish:
dessicated, petrified, searingly denuded

your grace crumbles
into grotesque flakes
of grief, rage and greed,
soaked in the brine of remorse
you beg, like i did, for a morsel of mercy
but -- i will STARVE you of forgiveness

copyright ROXI G 2006

wisdom

"there's no way around grief and loss: you can dodge it all you want, but sooner or later you just have to go into it, through it, and, hopefully, come out on the other side. the world you find there will never be the same as the world you left." (johnny cash)

"i wore black because i liked it. i still do, and wearing it still means something to me. its still my symbol of rebellion - against a stagnant status quo, against our hypocritical houses of god, against people whose minds are closed to others' ideas." (johnny cash)

poetry masters

if only you would touch my heart
if only you were to put your mouth
to my heart
if only you were to put your tongue
like a red arrow
there where my dusty heart is beating,
if you were to blow on my heart
near the sea, weeping,
it would make a dark noise,
like the drowsy sound of train wheels
like the indecision of waters,
like autumn in full leaf
like blood,
with a noise of damp flames
burning the sky,
with a sound like dreams
or branches or the rain,
or foghorns in some dismal port,
if you were to blow on my heart
near the sea, likea white ghost,
in the spume of the wave,
in the middle of the wind
like a ghost unleashed,
at the seashore, weeping.

... Pablo Neruda, from 'Bararole'

By a route obscure and lonely,
Haunted by ill angels only,
Where an Eidolon, named NIGHT,
On a black thrones reigns upright,
i have reached these lands but newly
From an ultimate dim Thule -
From a wild wierd clime that lieth, sublime,
Out of SPACE - out of TIME.

... Edgar Allan Poe, from 'Dream-Land'

anais nin

"and the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

“i do not like to be just one anais, whole, contained. as soon as someone defines me. i do as june does; i seek escape from the confinements of definition.”

“i speak of relief, perhaps when i write; but it is also an engraving of pain, a tatooing of myself.”

“we are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them.”

“life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. this is a kind of death.”

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WAKE up!!!!!!

words, thought and sentiment - eviscerated